Fallen angel

Fallen Angel- Three Days Grace

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On the verge

On the verge of breaking…. body, mind, and soul

On the verge of staying, leaving,

On the verge of knowing which way I should actually go

On the verge of changing, ever trying my best to improve

On the verge of not trying any more

On the verge of loving, hating, not to really care

On the verge of sacrificing myself even more

On the verge of taking something just to at least get one score

On the verge of losing what little I may have left

On the verge of taking control for myself at last

I choose to remember the ones

Sure all had, at least in most regards, volunteered to be where they were now in the midst of. Walking out and feeling the blast of hot air from the giant sandbox hitting their full battle ready dressed bodies. All of those that have served have given some, but now some were about to give it all. While many others would witness firsthand what the price of war truly is. No matter what your MOS (job) you had a vital part in, not only the “mission”, but also the lives of the other brave souls around you. Some did the minimal, others lackluster, while others excelled. There is still the one, or perhaps more, that went above and beyond their job to do all they could for the mission and for those around them. We had seen glimpses of their being so stellar in training missions and way back in the day to day operations before the war, but now would become their true time to shine. They did it not to receive some medal they could hang on their uniform. Which some received, but many more did not. They did it because it seemed as if they were there and set apart from the others for some special reasoning beyond my comprehension.

demo

There are those that falsely assume the glory few deserve. There are those that ride the coattails of others. There are those that abuse the system intended to take care of those that took care of us so well they have to pay for it the rest of their lives.

50 cal  test driverubble

I choose to remember the ones that could have stayed inside the wire, but chose not to.

I choose to remember the ones that volunteered to go on all the different types of missions.

I choose to remember the ones that pushed their bodies to the limit, and sometimes beyond, just to try and accomplish the task at hand.

I choose to remember the ones that could have stayed on main base, but instead went out to the FOB (forward operating base) just to ensure their equipment, vehicles, and fellow soldiers were being cared for as best as possible.

I choose to remember the ones that could have taken R & R (rest and relaxation) to go see their families a lot earlier, but sacrificed the opportunity for that of a fellow soldier that  needed it more.

I choose to remember the ones that could always seem to dig a little deeper and find more than the average “intestinal fortitude”  to do the best job they could in the circumstances that surrounded them.

I choose to remember the ones that I will always remember because I have considered it an honor to serve beside them.

80%

After my stay in the mental ward last summer, many people suggested I get re-evaluated by the VA. The main purpose being to get it annotated correctly on my records as PTSD and not simply depression. After completing “the process” known as the VA system it was annotated as PTSD with depression secondary to my nerve and cold weather injuries. They also changed my total disability rating from 70% to 80%. A few more dollars every month… just a little bonus? At first I thought so too, and it is but it also is not.

Lately it has kind of been messing with my head. I know all to well that I am not your “average Joe” due to my disabilities, but now there is a bigger number attached to them. If an average male my age is a 1 than I am capable of being a whopping .2. On a scale of 100 being average I am a 20. On most people’s scale of 1 – 10 I am now a 2 and there isn’t anything I can ever do to change that. I have tried my best over the years not to let my disabilities stop me from doing anything, but I have also learned that there are a lot of things that I am no longer capable of doing. There are still other things that are debatable on whether it is best for me to try, or simply pay someone else to do it for me.

The latest, and best example is I am going to change the windows on my house. 17 windows total. Do I pay $8,000 and spend two to three weeks killing my body to do them myself or pay $15,000 to have someone else do them in 3 -4 days? To most it would be worth saving the money and doing them themselves, but to me it is a much bigger debate than money.

Anywhos… till next time- Joe