I think I may have finally had enough. I texted the W a simple enough question about $20 that has magically been missing. After getting a different text from her the next hour I finally asked why should I continue to work my ass off to try and communicate better when I feel as if I am hardly listen to. Her response, “Huh? I am confused, if this is about us I would prefer to wait till you get home instead of making a mess of things on text.”
Sure we have all gotten things f’d up through texts, but ignoring the question of “Did you happen to find the $20 that disappeared?”. I don’t think too much can be read into that one.
I simply responded with “Exactly my point.”
The latest from the W which I am not even going to respond to at all “I am ignoring your last statement you made at all…I want you to talk to me in person and I really wanna listen to whats going on….”
I am so tired of it I just want to scream!!!!!!!
Thanks for reading today’s venting. At least till this point…………
Even though I have not been writing much lately, I am inspired by a lot of other bloggers to share this last week with you all. This last week was the longest amount of time the W and I were without the kids. Most people would think that this amount of time would be great for any relationship. Parts of it were. Even then I would sometimes find myself wondering. Wondering if I am simply falling for the same old games. We had to be on a pretty tight budget (as usual) so most of what we thought/ planned we would like to do while the kids were gone did not happen. The few that did were decent and enjoyable overall. As the week went on I felt as if I have to sacrifice more than everyone else in the family combined. No I am not looking for a pity party, or even answers to all the questions swirling around on my head. I am just so frustrated that I either willing give up something, or get pushed to the point that I just say F it and give up whatever I have to in order to accomplish the next task.
As soon as I walked in the door yesterday from work the W began the usual prodding to see what was wrong. She has a way of pushing and prying like a bulldozer and a jack hammer. Why should I work my ass off the last 8 mths to a year to try and communicate better, when no one listens to what I have to say? I usually do not have a lot to say, but the few times I do it would be great to know that someone hears me. A simple example of this is awhile back I had said that the chickens that come up from the freezer need to be put on a plate while the defrost in the breakfast nook area. That way they do not leak stuff all over the floor. The W never heard me say this on at least 2 occasions. She had placed a chicken to defrost and finally realized that I was correct when she stepped in the mess by accident and noticed it was sticky. That meant a lot more than water was leaking while it defrosted. This isn’t even a matter of my being right in this, and most instances, it is simply a matter of being heard. Everything still ends up being either my mistake or one of my many issues. I am simply so tired and burnt out of it all. Maybe all I need is a staycation from normal life.
The last 8 months, or so, have been a long struggle to say the least. Overall things for the wife and I are improving. Last night as we headed to bed she asked that proverbial question most of us dread. “Are you happy?” After lingering near the bush for a bit, I finally gave her the most simple and honest answer I could. “No.”
Sure some things have improved. I am communicating more, and better. She is mostly listening and attempting not to be a narcissist. The verbal abuse and belittlement has also lessened. Others, like codependency, have stayed about the same. Yet I am fairly certain that I am in the place where I have to be in life overall.
I have come to the firm opinion that most of us have taken so many twists and turns along the road of life that we pretty much are where we are. We could take a turn in a different direction, but the reality is that it would probably be worse overall. I have already summarized this in another post circumstances, choices, or luck?.
Where am I headed with all this?… As usual I am not really sure. It seems like a lot of people are, or know someone who, is going through an eerily similar situation. Maybe for most of us there cannot be true happiness. Sometimes things are simply as good as it is going to get.