adieu, at least for now

I will keep this as simple as possible. I started this blog as a way to reach out. A way to hopefully see vent and see something good. I reached out not knowing what I am looking for. I still have no idea what it may, or may not be that I am searching for. After recent developments I am going to quit blogging. It has done no good, and probably caused more pain for people. I am not trying to inflict any more pain on anyone. I need to stop reaching out. That is the main reason I will not be blogging anymore. I am going to try not to even log in for at least the foreseeable future. To those that have at least tried to help I am grateful, to say the least. For everyone, no matter, how little or much pain I have, am, and will continue to cause, I am sorry. Adieu, at least for now, if not longer. This will include my email and twitter accounts as well. Thanks

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Searching

Searching for something that may never be found

Searching everywhere except deep within oneself

Knowing that I would probably be better buried within the cold bitter ground

Searching through the tears that make it so hard to see

Searching and asking many questions that may never be answered

Never really knowing who I was, am, should, or want to be

Searching the memories of back when I thought I knew

Searching within others with which the answer will never lie

Spent my whole life thus far pretending to be someone, something, I can never truly be

Searching the years to see where I made it all go wrong

Searching all the lies I have believe even before I spoke them out loud

Not knowing why when I tried to make it right I have always massively failed

Searching my soap box, which I continually climb further upon

Searching my high and mighty statements of which none are true

Being the ideal example in all things of hypocrisy while telling others not to be so

Searching yet knowing I can never be fixed, repaired , or restored

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong for me to want to hold you and never let you go

Is it wrong for me to look into your eyes and see a glimpse of a connection like I have only dreamed about within them somewhere

Is it wrong for me to feel the things I feel already when we haven’t even known about each other very long

Is it wrong for me to look at you and see a distant possibility, yet want it right now, TODAY!

Is it wrong for me to try and express how I feel, even though I am an emotional wreck most of the time

Is it wrong for me to be tired of doing “the right thing” in other people’s eyes and maybe do what is right for me for once

Is it wrong for me to put these words down where other people may actually read them

Is it wrong for me to be so lost, confused, and dazed by life yet see only beauty when I look at you

Is it wrong for me to want to prove to you true love can really exists, and it might even be between the two of us, I hope

Is it wrong for me to want to feel your lips pressed against mine

Is it wrong for me to want to see what it is like to feel our bodies entwine

Is it wrong for me to….

Is it wrong for me…

How pathetic and/ or stupid am I?

I will be the first to admit I overuse the word stupid. Especially when referring to myself. There is not another word that so adequately describes well… me. This is not the subject matter for today. I am simply making a list of ways in which I more than fulfill the two chosen words pathetic and/ or stupid I am

At the end of even the best day I have had lately (maybe years), I still feel like having a good long hard cry

Even though people seem to always hurt me, I continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and express my feelings

I tend to take practically, if not realistically, EVERYTHING personally (what did I f up now?)

I still believe in a happy ending, the proverbial happily ever after; regardless of mistakes I, or others have, continue to,or  will make

When someone says they will be right back, I incessantly (O.C.D.ily?) await their return or response

Deep inside I still believe hard work does/ will pay off (although if true I could have retired YEARS ago!)

I put too much of myself out there ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS! (except maybe little clothing, streaking, and such)

I continually try to get up and moving as life continues to beat me down

I hold out hope although I realistically have no reason to because I know how it goes by now

I continue to try even though I realize I will have to continue to pay for all the evil I have seen, done, and been a part of

No matter how strong I think the walls I put up are the slightest thing can find its way in and tear me up

No matter how many time I state I am done being hurt I continue to do it to myself and allow others to as well

I am sure there is an almost never ending list but these are more than enough for now. Till next time. Joe