Too good to be true?

A lot is changing in life for me right now. I have been dealing with a lot since I committed myself at the end of June. Not any more plans for suicide. Not really any thoughts of hurting myself or other people either, other than some days wanting to cut off my stupid leg because I think it would be less painful to cut off with a dull butterknife than to drag it around day after day. The sertraline has definitely been helping. The routine and situation of my day to day life hasn’t changed, I am probably just accepting I am stuck where I am. This last week has marked the first week of my latest medication for the nerve pain in my legs. I thought I had tried it way back in the beginning, but apparently I never have. This is at least the third or fourth one I have tried to get some relief from the pain. My legs tend to always feel tired on the pregabalin, but the usual nerve pain is practically gone. I am not holding out hope. If I still feel this way in a month then I might start to believe I have found some relief for the long haul.

I have also been chatting pretty much constantly with a woman recently. She as well seems to good to actually be true. I know all too well whether it be medication, counseling, or something else that in time something seems to go haywire. There is always some difference or obstacle that cannot be compromised or overcome.

I am now scheduled to see my chiropractor once a month. Which is a good thing, as much as I will miss seeing her on what started out as a twice a week basis.

Mostly I wonder if I am just stuck with what I’ve got. That there is no real chance of something that might be better. Whether it be pain wise, other issue wise, or relationally. To me some people, possibly me included, cannot change things no matter how much they desire to. Some things no one has control over.

Who really know in the end. Maybe it will happen. Maybe some things are meant to be out of our reach. Or too good to be true. Till next time. Joe


Suicide Prevention Day

If you haven’t been there you more than like are part of the problem instead of a real solution. depression, Ptsd, chronic pain just to name a few of the things that consistently beat me down daily. I am tired of fighting so hard for everyone else. This author puts it into better words than I can so read on… read on.

Another Hope Entirely

To be perfectly honest, I dread and resent this day.  I know that’s a very unpopular opinion, but I’m not sorry.  I just can’t embrace it and write a tearjerker post about my close calls with suicide and how glad I am that I didn’t succeed.

I’m not glad I didn’t succeed.  I’m not actively suicidal right now, but my life is difficult and painful every day.  If any one of my suicide attempts had succeeded, I wouldn’t have to drag myself through that every day.  I wouldn’t have to worry about whether I can find a doctor who will give me medication to manage my chronic pain.  I wouldn’t have to worry about becoming homeless because my disability check isn’t enough for anyone to survive on.  I wouldn’t have to worry about how to get therapy when no one thinks I need help.  I wouldn’t have to worry about…

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Where is my happiness? Does it even exist?

I don’t think it’s in religion, for I spent many many years trying to find it in this

Is is in a lover? A soulmate? A friend?

These too I have tried and all simply come to an unhappy end

Can I find it within myself? Is it buried deep inside me?

Surely I would have found it by now. For I have searched tirelessly to see what I could see

Is it in a bottle? A needle? A drug?

Sometimes it feels as if all I really need is a tender embrace of a warm hug

Can it be in a self help book? A simple written plan from someone else to be my guide?

We are all judged by what others can physically see and not what is on the inside

How did I become so messed up? So alone? Or was I always this way?

Most of the time it is difficult to find even a semblance of a different day

Have I given too much of myself? Have I lost myself? Am I to blame?

No matter what I do or say it always causes others problems or more shame

Am I an outcast? A demon? Am I simply a messy ink blot?

We all have our differences, our scars. Some visible and some not

Do I try and hide it? Even from myself? Can I live in the bubble?

The bubble where everything is picture perfect and no sign of rubble

Can anyone understand who I really am? Can I even understand my own being?

There have been so many turns on the road of life, even the gravel road, I am no longer seeing

Other days around me

Oft, in the stilly night,
  Ere slumber’s chain has bound me,
Fond Memory brings the light
  Of other days around me:
    The smiles, the tears
    Of boyhood’s years,
  The words of love then spoken;
    The eyes that shone,
    Now dimm’d and gone,
  The cheerful hearts now broken!
Thus, in the stilly night,
  Ere slumber’s chain has bound me,
Sad Memory brings the light
  Of other days around me.

When I remember all
  The friends, so linked together,
I’ve seen around me fall
  Like leaves in wintry weather,
    I feel like one
    Who treads alone
  Some banquet-hall deserted,
    Whose lights are fled,
    Whose garlands dead,
  And all but he departed!
Thus, in the stilly night,
  Ere slumber’s chain has bound me.
Sad Memory brings the light
  Of other days around me.

Heard this one and thought I might share my thoughts. Politicians may start conflicts or wars, but that is not why servicemembers do what they do. They do it for the person to their left or right. For their friends and battle buddies.

There is also a creed that most are fully enveloped in. Even though I cannot actually accomplish any of them I would still carry any of them out if I actually was able.

Last but not least the Army values.

these are explanations as to why I am constantly feeling incomplete, inadequate, and sometimes incompetent. I used to be devoted to something greater than simply myself. 

This is going to be a time of more difficult transition for me as I prepare to step out of the workforce because it is getting harder and harder and more painful to go to work. Thanks for letting me share a little first person perspective from someone who might just have been the sh*t, part of the sh*t, and definitely in the sh*t more times than I can actually remember. Till next time— Joe