A lot is changing in life for me right now. I have been dealing with a lot since I committed myself at the end of June. Not any more plans for suicide. Not really any thoughts of hurting myself or other people either, other than some days wanting to cut off my stupid leg because I think it would be less painful to cut off with a dull butterknife than to drag it around day after day. The sertraline has definitely been helping. The routine and situation of my day to day life hasn’t changed, I am probably just accepting I am stuck where I am. This last week has marked the first week of my latest medication for the nerve pain in my legs. I thought I had tried it way back in the beginning, but apparently I never have. This is at least the third or fourth one I have tried to get some relief from the pain. My legs tend to always feel tired on the pregabalin, but the usual nerve pain is practically gone. I am not holding out hope. If I still feel this way in a month then I might start to believe I have found some relief for the long haul.
I have also been chatting pretty much constantly with a woman recently. She as well seems to good to actually be true. I know all too well whether it be medication, counseling, or something else that in time something seems to go haywire. There is always some difference or obstacle that cannot be compromised or overcome.
I am now scheduled to see my chiropractor once a month. Which is a good thing, as much as I will miss seeing her on what started out as a twice a week basis.
Mostly I wonder if I am just stuck with what I’ve got. That there is no real chance of something that might be better. Whether it be pain wise, other issue wise, or relationally. To me some people, possibly me included, cannot change things no matter how much they desire to. Some things no one has control over.
Who really know in the end. Maybe it will happen. Maybe some things are meant to be out of our reach. Or too good to be true. Till next time. Joe