today’s venting

I have been working on about 3 different post that I was wanting to share. That all changed today when I attempted to finish one. I simply could not find any words to write with. They all seem to fail in that which I am trying to describe. As per the usual, things are not going the greatest for me. I am trying to get my disability through the VA increased, but the guy who was supposedly helping me, is “out of the office indefinitely”. So i get to start all over again at the end of Sept. The changes to my medications are having minimal effect helping me. They take the pain down a notch two at best, but it is still overwhelming. One of the side effects is that I feel high for a couple hours a day. Not sure if thats something I should enjoy or be afraid of when I am trying to run a machine? I am frustrated to say the least in many areas. Everyone tells you that they want to hear what you are feeling, but the reality is that they don’t give a flying rats behind. Especially if you opinion is different than theirs. I have learned numerous times over the years that it is best not to have any feelings or opinion. It is best just to agree with someone instead of going through the emotional beat down that may follow if you don’t. I know I am sensitive, but I have learned through all my trials and tribulations how to put up my walls to protect my sensitive side. There’s another. Everyone says that you should try and take down your emotional walls. Why? So I am vulnerable to attack? So that anyone can waltz up and do whatever the heck they want? No thanks, I have been through all that too many times as well. In even better news, I am continuing to lose weight. I had some to spare, but not a lot. I also had a crying spell today for the first time since they upped my antidepressant/ PTSD medication. Another one that tweaks my melon is everyone says hang in there we all go through rough times, and it will pass. How long does one have to be going through something rough for it to be over, or pass? 1 year? 5 years? 10? What about those that cannot get out of, or over their predicament for their entire lives no matter how hard they try? Anyhow thanks for reading my vent for today. I should get something else done. I am definitely looking forward to the hope that my racecar will run better on saturday night. Last race, about 3 weeks ago, it was acting like it was running out of gas yet ran another 15 laps. It had also been not wanting to restart after it got warm. I am hoping the two are connected because I changed the fuel filter, cleaned the injectors, and adjusted the throttle body. I ran it in the garage and got it warm and it restarted every time. It is not like I can really go for a test drive around town before hitting the track. So I guess I shall wait and see and hope for the best. I also picked up a new motor. After I rebuild it and put it in it will give me another 40HP for next year. Top 5 here I come? who knows gotta try. It is kind of funny and cool at the same time. When I am racing I get to escape my reality, even if only for a little while. I don’t have to deal with my many issues and my leg doesn’t hurt. I did have to put in a brace so I wouldn’t pop it out of gear around the turns without my knowing it, but no feeling of pain. It is a little difficult to get going. It’s a manual transmission, which is hard enough to drive, but try doing it with just your left leg.  This has been a rant…. it has only been a rant… had it been a real posting I would have hopefully written something better. Till next time…. Joe

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One comment on “today’s venting

  1. booguloo says:

    We could be brothers from another mother or separated from the hip at birth. Waiting on an upgrade on va benefits as well….. and all the other “Stuff” you have on your plate… If the VA would pick up the tab I would go and start treatment with “MAPS” in San Francisco.http://www.mdmaptsd.org/

    Michael
    booguloo@live.com

    Like

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