Is there any hope?

Is there any hope for me? Am I even sane?

Along the road of life I have lost so many things did I also lose my brain?

Is it wrong for me to want something more? Someone I truly trust?

Or am I condemned to hell, in this life and/ or the next, for my sins  and shame?

Or should I just deal with everything that goes wrong and take the blame?

This is typically the time of year I fell better, almost normal

This year not so much. Is it really because I am so horrible?

I don’t believe in fairy tales, but need a magic wand

To fix myself, my issues, lots of things… then maybe with someone I could bond?

Should I simply fade into the darkness all around?

Or could some miracle solution really be found?

Is it simply that I’m sick in the head?

That would explain why most days I find it very difficult, although I rarely sleep, to actually get out of bed

Who, or what kind of monster, have I become?

It is not the me I once was, probably because of the evil things I do, or have done

Watching myself wither away

Physically and mentally day after every single day

Just to share

Debated sharing more of this part of my life on here, but after a rough couple of weeks this appeared. I thought it would be best to share it with you all. I try to be as real and honest as possible on here, but yet kinda like remaining kind of anonymous as I blog. I also thought I would post it here, although I could have posted under or on another racing page. My sponsor, and wife’s uncle Mark wrote this and it moved me to tears. Racing has become essentially my mental reset and escape for the week. Hope you all enjoy. Here is the story.

Battling

Battling my depression, PTSD, and other issues from within

Fighting in the fights that sometimes seem to rage right beneath my skin

Waging war against myself is a war I know I cannot win

I don’t think I can try and be “ok”

I do not know how much longer I can continually live this way

Why do certain people know how to hurt me simply by what they say

Fighting with the demons and other things in my head

Fighting battles raging on that keep me from going to, or wanting to get out of bed

To get away from my reality, I just want to lock myself inside a tiny dark shed

Some days are good and most are what would be considered bad

I cannot go back to the me I, and others, once had

Am I going insane? Am I going mad?

 

nonsense

Have I lost it? Am I going insane?

Have all the things I have done in my life finally cost me that thing some call a brain?

One moment I’m fine the next probably not

Rarely I feel ok, usually I feel like snot

I have seen what mankind can create, I’ve been a part of what he can destroy

I have had some of my issues since I was a boy

Have I ever been “normal”? Can I make a friend?

Can anyone understand me? Be with me till the end?

Can I even have this to make sense?

Should I go into the dark from where I came out once wense?

There is usually darkness all of me around

Should I cry out for help or not make a sound?

I know this doesn’t make sense, but what else is new?

I usually dislike myself can I try being you?

alone

alone is the world as i am cold
alone is the fear just not told
alone i lay awake and think
alone i pray just not to blink
alone im in so much pain
alone i’m going insane
alone today
alone tomorrow
alone i will sorrow
alone i dream of what will come
alone i fear of what i’ve done
alone i will fly away
alone i am for another day
alone i have so much hate
alone i just tempt fate
alone i am just a worthless soul
alone im in a 6 foot hole! 

The woman with magic hands

After over twelve years of dealing with chronic pain I have tried numerous options to get some relief to no avail. Everything including various medications ( was on 2 morphine patches a day), to acupuncture, and physical therapy, just to name a few of many. Pretty much have had a minimal, if any effect on my pain levels.  The morphine kinda worked I guess, but I know that was no way to try and live. Electrotherapy or E STIM has helped at least slow down the raid tissue degeneration. About three weeks ago I learned of a new project called The Patriot Project. They basically are helping veterans and trying to make a case as to why the VA should provide chiropractic care. In my opinion if the VA did start to offer it it would quickly become like every other service where we have to wait 6 months to a year to get it when we are lucky enough to actually receive it. I have kinda wondered what difference chiropractic treatment would make for me, if any. Being a man, I was hoping that the fact she is a woman she would at least be nice looking. Let me just say I was not disappointed! After the first treatment it was decided that I should go in twice a week for at least a few weeks to try and help get hings back to the way they were supposed to be. Each treatment has left me feeling less sore afterword, and better able to get around and do things. I don’t remember when I felt this much younger and able to do so much since the accident happened. Just this last weekend I woke up early on Friday. ( A small advantage of working 4 ten hour days on swing shift 4 pm- 2am) I rode my bicycle about 14 miles total before my legs were simply too tired. Then I got home and rested for a little and continued to go outside and unload a yard and a half of dirt into the garden. Saturday morning I also woke up early to go help my son’s  civil air patrol unit move all the furniture from their old building to what is becoming their new one on the air national guard base here in Portland. We had to leave their before the last load was made, but we still made four trips loading and unloading desks, chairs, and large filing cabinets. I then came home and loaded up the car and everything I needed to go racing. Unloaded at the track, raced and loaded everything back up by about 11 that night. Sunday came around and it was time to create and build a sprinkler system for the garden. Key piece of advise here… if they make a system that does what you need it to do not think that you can invent your own that will work better for less or about the same cost. It was about twice as much as the existing system and I am still fighting with it to get it the way it is supposed to. Monday consisted of three different appointments of various types and then back to work. So yoga is slowly helping my balance and strength, but now I realize it is the loss of muscle mass or strength that is my biggest hinderance from accomplishing something. Which is a very stark contrast to being overwhelmed by the ever increasing levels of pain as I try to do something.

On saturday I even got to finish the main event. I actually ran from the green to the checkered. First time in the three races that I did not blow out a tire. So needless to say that was a blast! Hopefully I can accomplish the same feat this saturday. Other than that on Monday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. First one in about three months. I told her what had been going on, and the only had time I seemed to have was Memorial day week. For some reason that whole week I was in a funk mentally, but thankfully racing on saturday kinda snapped me out of it. My next appointment is at the beginning of August simply because I have learned a lot this past year to year and a half and have an easier time realizing when something is rattling around in my head and sorting it out. (most of the time)

So now I guess I will wait and see what the longer term results from chiro are. This is usually entering in to my better time of year. With the warmer weather I am in less pain which also helping my head and emotional states. For now I am going to hopefully enjoy being able to do more and be in less pain for as long as it lasts.