Most of us dislike it when when purchase something, take it home, assemble if necessary, only it find out that it is damaged goods. Lately I have been realizing I am the one who is the damaged goods. Even as nicer and warmer weather are hopefully here to stay, I find it difficult to do basically anything right. I know, and accept, that we will all have our bad days and our good. Mine have been more like weeks/ months. Work has been more of a challenge than I can truly accomplish. Things otherwise have also been difficult as well to say the least.
I think a lot of this stuff lately is the fact that I can literally watch myself deteriorate almost daily. The last five years have been the hardest. No matter what I try and do I cannot really get it done the way I know it should be. It is never good enough, even if it is all I have. I can no longer compete even with your average Joe. I do not have the smarts to do something that is less physically but more mentally demanding. I no longer have to strength or endurance to do things that most can do physically. I don’t have the time or money to truly get anything right. There is only so much one person can do or try, until they have to realize they are were they are and can do nothing to make it better. There are only so many times we can fall off the horse before we say F*** IT and leave that stupid horse out in the field. I have always said the only real person we have any control over is ourselves, but even then we can only do the best we can with the situation we have. I guess I am proof of the old saying that we all get what we deserve, despite my best efforts to keep it from happening. There is nothing I can say or do to change the life I find myself trapped in. In conclusion I guess the real me died many a years ago. Now I just follow my orders and stick around to be and try and help the kids as best I can, which isn’t much.