One of the bloggers I follow Jennie Saia wrote a post titled “Measure your life in love”. I would definitely suggest reading this, if you haven’t already. She has a great way of writing! I understand the point she is trying to make, however I do not think it is as simple as she makes it seem. There are way to many feelings involved in any relationship for them to be simple. For instance, if one person in the relationship has always chosen to stay where they are, but over time their feelings get crushed and hurt so many times that it is no longer possible for them to love. They just choose to stay to providing comfort and stability for all involved. There are also the inevitable “what if” scenarios. What if one person is supposedly trying to make things better, yet continues to act, treat, and portray others the exact same way. Sometimes people are where they are, and with who they are, simply because it is the best the can do. It isn’t a matter of choosing, or not, love. It is simply the facts of their life lead them where they are. For many, the choice of love was lost or sacrificed along the road of life. I recently watched The Prizewinner Of Defiance, Ohio. If you have read the book, or seen the movie you know my point. If not, basically this woman suffered many years, and multiple types of abuse all just to try and give a better life for her ten children. It was as simple as that. I guess in a weird way she was choosing love. Not for her abusive husband, but for her children. I guess if we break anything down far enough it comes down to a choice to love or not. I just also know that no matter how simple we try and keep it life is very complicated. Each action has a reaction, or as I like to say each choice has a consequence. In general if we make good choices good things happen, and if we make bad choices we also have to deal with those consequences. Even this is complicated though. When we have to make what may be a bad, or debatable choice, maybe we had no better options. Sometimes we get stuck trying to decide the lesser of the evils. For me, I don’t think I can really measure my life in love. Mainly because like any other system of measurement I really never measure up to the “average”. It is basically a convoluted mess in which I usually have to take, overall, the best of the worst and ride it where it may go. If nothing ever measures up, how can love?
Each day I live, the pain consumes
What little sanity I have bloomed
Like walking in a cloud of fog
Falling down, sinking into smog
Life just seems grim
I think on a whim
Interest lost in everything I do
But what a life, who really knew?
Depressed to a fault, that all I see
Death just seems like the only way for me
A waste of time, I feel I am
But that’s its nature, a full mind jam
I try and try to ease the pain
A fallen effort with no gain
Thoughts begin to eat away
Makes me want to end it today
Uncomfortable around others for the way I feel
I pray and wish this all wasn’t real
Life just seems more like a prison
Caged, alone, an abomination risen
No one could ever understand
Why I would want my death sooner than planned
Its not something I want for me
But to end my suffering this is what has to be
So I write this all as I fall from grace
Down to this place, some barren waste
I know not how much longer I will last
But all I can do, is pray that this will just pass.
Most of us dislike it when when purchase something, take it home, assemble if necessary, only it find out that it is damaged goods. Lately I have been realizing I am the one who is the damaged goods. Even as nicer and warmer weather are hopefully here to stay, I find it difficult to do basically anything right. I know, and accept, that we will all have our bad days and our good. Mine have been more like weeks/ months. Work has been more of a challenge than I can truly accomplish. Things otherwise have also been difficult as well to say the least.
I think a lot of this stuff lately is the fact that I can literally watch myself deteriorate almost daily. The last five years have been the hardest. No matter what I try and do I cannot really get it done the way I know it should be. It is never good enough, even if it is all I have. I can no longer compete even with your average Joe. I do not have the smarts to do something that is less physically but more mentally demanding. I no longer have to strength or endurance to do things that most can do physically. I don’t have the time or money to truly get anything right. There is only so much one person can do or try, until they have to realize they are were they are and can do nothing to make it better. There are only so many times we can fall off the horse before we say F*** IT and leave that stupid horse out in the field. I have always said the only real person we have any control over is ourselves, but even then we can only do the best we can with the situation we have. I guess I am proof of the old saying that we all get what we deserve, despite my best efforts to keep it from happening. There is nothing I can say or do to change the life I find myself trapped in. In conclusion I guess the real me died many a years ago. Now I just follow my orders and stick around to be and try and help the kids as best I can, which isn’t much.
Can anyone accept me for who I truely am
Can anyone take joy in the pain left by good ol’ uncle Sam
Can anyone take what is left of many dreams unforetold
Can anyone help me make it into a possible fairytale to be told
Can anyone see me for who I am and want to be
Can anyone? I see glimpses, I see some light
Can anyone? I hope to see it in you glimpses of delight
Can anyone handle whom I have become and am now
Can anyone accept all of me without raising an abnormal brow
Can anyone? I see glimpses here or there
Can anyone? Maybe, perhaps, because I am looking practically everywhere
Can anyone? I hope it may be true
Can anyone? Perhaps it might be you?