Just was sent this through wounded warrior. It is all three of a three part series, so it can be lengthy, but worthwhile (at least for me it was). Something I have not really considered. The way I have, and still do, look at all of it was I had one main mission while in Iraq. That mission was to try and bring everyone back that we went out with, the rest is up for someone/ something better than myself. You cannot judge the situation unless you have been in it yourself, because sometimes we have no choice but the hard choice. Feel free to tell me what you think. I found it very enlightening. I learned quickly in Iraq that two people can be in the exact situation and take it completely different. It doesn’t mean if they react different than others that they are wrong, or someone is right. It is simply a matter of perspective, compartmentalization, and attitude towards the wars as a whole. War is hell and there isn’t much we can do to change that. No matter if its called shell shock, ptsd, or moral injury I think they are all closely related and intertwined.
Trapped in a world, which I have created
To imagine something different is like breathing with breath that is bated
So far down this road there is no turning back
Yet I am so tired of hearing someone yell, bicker, and yack
To much involved, too many that would hurt, to much to bear
You act in a way so that everything goes your way, or else you don’t care
Stuck in a land of fairy tales, fiction, and simple la la
I no longer believe in that system, or any religion, really nada
I gave it my everything for over half of my life
All it ever gave to me was more and more strife
I am this way, and am who I am, most of which I cannot change
But what about the slim chance of different days?
I have been wondering if a situation does actually work out the way it does for a reason, then what, or how, would things be different if it worked out another way. If it had a different outcome would it still inflict so much pain, just in other forms? Or could things be another way and be better for some, yet others would have to carry the burden of those in which things were better. This is only something I have recently considered. For me, in the past it just was the way it was and I tried to do my best. Lately though, I have begun to consider how things might be different if the day of the accident we were able to get Jonathan out. Preferably with no injuries to him or anyone else. Would people still have to deal with the pain that has come since that day, just in another fashion? You see what many do not know is that things with Jonathan and his wife were not going well at the time. (To say the least) So, without consideration or much thought, did I take whatever other pains may have come from him living upon myself in physical disabilities that day. Not something I have ever really considered before the last couple weeks.
I think no matter the outcome of situation it will have the same effects. Whether they are manifested in different ways, I guess, would change with the possibilities of the outcome. It is hard to consider especially now. Recently I learned of another person having effects of that day. Not the physical disabilities and struggles I have dealt with for the last 12 years, but instead the mental consequences of that day. I have also dealt with this area in many forms and fashions over the years, and had never really thought if it affects someone else that was there the same way. I have always known that I was not alone in being effected, but to hear the depth of someone else suffering really makes my perspective change.
Not real sure where I am headed with this, or why I even wrote it. I guess for me it just helps me to share. I do know that even though it is extremely difficult for me I would gladly bear the pain all over again. Because even if the outcome was different, the pain would still be the same.
Today I am simply frustrated. It is not the fact of my PTSD, depression, or even weather. it is simply my POS racecar. Back in my heyday I could fix pretty much anything and everything. I have repaired everything from generators, humvees, tanks, and lots of other machinery and even flipped a couple houses. For an 89 this stupid car of mine is definitely throwing me for a loop. Until this last weekend it would crank but could not get spark. Now in my infamous wisdom and frustration I seem to have made it worse not better. For now I cannot even get it to crank. This is not intended to be my writing about how not to fix your car, although I am an expert in that. It is mainly just because this has been a dream of mine for about 16 years. I have tried numerous tries and ways, but all to no avail. The closer I have gotten to actually realizing this dream the more frustrating it seems to become. I guess if it was easy than it would not really be a dream any longer, or we all try once, accomplish our dreams, and then do what? I am simply frustrated in the fact that I spent pretty much all last weekend and actually ended up going backwards instead of making much needed progress. At least I am off Friday, and will have some help- Saturday. Saturday is supposed to be the first test session, as long as it doesn’t get rained out and I have my car running. Even once I get it running I have a lot of little stuff to finish. The 19th is supposed to be the first race of the season. Hopefully I will be ready by then.
On another front. I recently saw my therapist. I knew I had learned a lot and made some progress towards making myself better. I was still kind of surprised when she said this and scheduled our next appointment for June 2nd. Hard to believe when I started she wanted to see me at least once every three weeks if not every two. I guess that is what most would call progress. Well thanks for letting me vent. Till next time. Joe
I found this through my yoga instructor. It is a really good article. It is amazing in the few weeks I have been going how much yoga has helped me. Not only with my PTSD, but also my physical limitations. It isn’t even like exercise, it is more like intense stretching to me, which makes my legs feel better. So if you have pondered it, now you know it is not bad, it is really enjoyable. I would encourage anyone who may be debating starting to give it a try you never know what good could come of it. Hope you enjoy.