Today is yet another bad day for me. Lately things have not been going well and there seems to very little, if anything, that I can get right. I have no real explanation for it, but I tend to go in a pattern. I will be doing going for a few months or so, and then with out much reason I have a bad one. Depression is an ugly enough monster in and of itself, but combine that with PTSD and it becomes harder still. The two go together, which one cause which who knows. All I know is when one goes the other is right behind it. For the first time since I got medication to help I had a crying spell. I know it may be weird for a guy to write about his crying spells, but I can share it anyhow. I have always been more of the sensitive type, but the crying for no real reason was ridiculous even for me. I used to have them pretty often, but the medication has helped with that and much more. I just really don’t like it when one of those bad days turns into a bad week, or bad month, or perhaps even longer. There is no way of really knowing how long it will stick around. Looking back upon past episodes there is no real reasoning to why the others ended either. I guess it’s just one of those things some of us have to continually struggle with.
I’m broken, I see this now
I feel the burning in my brain
Every time I try to reach out
Nobody knows my name
And every time I try call out
My voice just fades away
The pain inside my head
Turns to anger in my veins
It’s tearing out my sanity
Yeah, I may just be insane
Every hardship I overcome
There’s another just the same
Every fight that I fall into
I’m the one that gets the blame
And although I’m not innocent
I’m always cast in shame
I’ve tried to wash off the sin
But my heart still bears the stain
It seems life must be against me
It’s like a never ending strain
I’m tired of the cards I’m dealt
Yeah, I’m tired of this game
I keep giving it all I’ve got
But there’s nothing that I gain
All I ever want is happiness
But all I ever get is pain
Today, and the last while, I feel almost completely useless. This is not necessarily a new feeling for me, but I thought I had been doing pretty well lately. I think it is mainly a combination of messing some various parts up at work lately and the fact that I seem to be running around in circles trying to get my race car ready for the upcoming season, while actually getting nothing accomplished. No matter what I try to do I cannot seem to get anything right. Some days are harder than others and I wonder why even get out of bed to get it started off. I always do, mainly just because it is more complicated than what I feel like doing. Although I try to do things I always seem to screw them up or am just another bump on the log.
I know it is not suppose to be easy, but I went from doing ok… to having a hard time with day to day life quicker than I can actually recall. I could go on and blame a bunch of other things if I really wanted to. It is winter after all in the Northwest which means lots of rain, cloudy days, and just enough cold to make my legs hurt badly most of the time. There is also the pain factor, personal difficulties that also seem to be getting nowhere no matter what I do to correct them, and my own personal trump card PTSD.
I am not really looking for anyone to really listen to this jumble, sympathy, or a solution. I just have not much else and been trying to come up with something to write. I guess I just feel useless. Not much else to say other than that.