I realize, for various reasons, we are all at different points in our lives. Today I am simply frustrated at the fact that no matter how hard I work it feels like I am always close to the edge about ready to fall. According to some I might have already of fallen or be at the proverbial bottom, but at least I can admit it. I will be the first to say I am far from perfect, and probably more messed up then most people you know. I realized that there are many out there, for whatever reason, cannot admit how close to the edge they may be. One of my daughter’s friend’s dad is like this. His name is Dan, and he served for in the Army and was deployed to Afghanistan. Eight years later and it is beginning to catch up with him. He continues to have nightmares, lose friendships, and has his wife at her wits end.
I guess I just don’t understand how it can get that bad. Sure I have been bad and probably usually still am, but I have not been one to not ask for help when I need it. I don’t know if its pride, arrogance, or simply stupidity. A couple of years ago, back when I worked day shift, I took Dan with me to acupuncture. It was helping my pain and PTSD management along with other advantages. He knew I was also going to counseling and taking other steps to try and get help. We shared a lot of war stories and nothing he said really surprised me, what does though is the fact that here it is about two years later and things only get worse the more we stuff them and make excuses. I would rather be teetering on the cliff of the edge than not realize, and make excuse to be oblivious to it. No matter what I face (d) in life I am always try to push myself. Even with my bum legs I continue to push to accomplish things most people take for granted. Even when I can no longer stand, which I think is coming sooner rather than later, I will find some way to be me. Body parts, mental capacity, or emotional responses are only part of us we cannot let them beat us down. We might lose the battle every now and then, but I am not about to lose the war. Sure some days I truly believe it would be less painful to cut off my leg myself with a dull butter knife, cannot keep food down, and feel inadequate/ if not useless as a “man” but I am not going to quit trying. No matter how alone we may feel sometimes, all we really have to do is look around and realize that we are not the only ones. When I think I am isolated for my usual reasons, I take a trip to the veteran’s hospital. Literally hundreds of people who have been through a lot of the same things I have, and sometimes worse. I have had very few talk to me disrespectfully when they find out I was in the Army, which is nothing compared to how so many were/ are still treated for simply doing what our country asked of them.
In closing I would just like to say no matter the highest of highs or lowest of lows, emotionally there really is not much difference between them and one false move, or slip, and we might end up clear at the far end of the opposite one. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other (as long as I can continue to have two I guess), and continue climbing. Just don’t be to whatever the heck you are being/ doing to ask someone who may be able to help you for help. You just might be surprised how easy it is to change a tire, when you call AAA. Till next time- Joe