the lake of my life

Hopefully it is just me, but after looking back on this past year it is kind of depressing. This past year like many others has been what I can best describe as the lake of life. Life being the lake and me feeling as if I am stuck in the middle of it. Year after year I find myself out on the lake of life in my small boat with only one paddle. Sure sometimes the weather is good and sometimes it’s bad, but no matter what I do I keep going around in circles out in the middle of the lake of life. I have tried numerous tactics to get some real direction with my boat, but all it really does is wear me down even more. Especially this last year as I look back and all the effort I have put into making it better, realistically I am in about the same spot as last year. I have also realized this last year I do most things out of habit, comfort, and convenience instead of doing them out of want, desire, or need. If I try people always condemn me for trying too hard, doing things I do not know how to, or doing more than I am suppose too do. Since when were most, if not all of these things, a bad quality to have? I do make a lot of mistakes. Probably more than most people, but at least I am willing to try, unlike most other people I have encountered.

                When I first moved back to the states, and was fixing forklifts for a living I remember one big incident. I went and diagnosed a lift truck as needing a new left motor. When it came in I took the part and put it in. It was a very difficult job, finally after putting it all back together the forklift did not drive at all now. They sent another person out to troubleshoot my work and the issue. I came to find out later that when I put it back together I accidently got two wires mixed up causing it to fry the control board, a $1200 part. Needless to say I was called into the manager’s office. He said basically the only real reason they did not fire me was that I tried. “If only we could get more mechanics willing to try and do what you accomplish we would be twice as good as we are now.” He told me.

                 The other day is the latest. I basically got chewed out for trying to mill a flat on a new tool for my machine. I understand it because I have not been trained on the machine, but I did not figure it was that hard to run a manual mill. Our mill at work, unfortunately for me, actually is.

                So why keep trying? I don’t really know why. It’s just part of me. I have told the managers of practically everywhere I have worked that I would rather be the horse they have to reign back instead of the one they have to kick in the butt to get going. As much as I have faced in life I usually do not quit or give up very easily. Usually someone else has to inform me that I am trying something I should not be, trying too hard, or putting my efforts into a waste. I usually dislike it when others tell me what I should or should not be doing. It is almost as bad as someone telling me what I can or cannot do because I am disabled. Till next time… Joe


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