hurt

hurt and be hurt, that is the nature of us

time, choices, circumstances, all have a way of tearing everything apart

we try and improve, make things better, build something with another or something

one step forward two steps back

try and try again, change this,change that just to repeat again

voices, thoughts, dreams pass through our mind constantly

no way to figure it out, actually accomplish something

hating what we have become, from the damage we have done

no way out, nothing to save us now

freely giving hurt and pain to others like a faucet

yet like a desert when we try and be vulnerable and open

the next big thing will save us….. we think

surprise… it doesn’t

try and drown ourselves in something that makes us feel good and alive

yet tears apart and only causes more hurt

Too many more every day

These past 8 months my husband has lost several battle buddies to suicide. He takes the news extremely hard. These are the guys he’s been in front lines of war with. Fought alongside each other. Saved each other’s lives. Came home together. Only to lose them to suicide. Soldiers come home not knowing how […]

via 22 a day is 22 too many — Life & Writings of Barefoot Momma

Wounded Warrior Project

Source: Wounded Warrior Project

I couldn’t agree more! Without WWP I would not be here at all, let alone anywhere close to where I have came. I like you have a lot of work to do still, but they are ALWAYS there for me at just the right time!
I used to think I was completely worthless. Now I know I am worth something. It may not be much in other people’s opinion, but I know I am worth something.

today

Today I feel on the edge. I cannot take everything anymore. It has been beating the hell out of me for awhile, and now even more symptoms than I already had magically appear because there is only so far you can push yourself mentally and physically before it all starts crashing down. I came here to hopefully vent my frustration, because reality is no one actually hears what I might have to say. I know it isn’t really an answer, but I just want to bury myself in a bottle for awhile. There is no realistic way to escape the stress, manipulation, abuse, or blame. I went out last week hoping it would release some of my burden, but it did not. Cannot do hobbies, mainly because of funds, but also anytime I try someone has something very urgent that I end up having to carry myself. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Lucky 13?

Tomorrow marks the 13th year that has passed since the accident. Looking back there have been some years that have been better than others, but this one is going the best so far. Sure there are still some challenges. Fall weather has set in and I am having more neuropathic pain in my legs, but not bad overall.6-7 years ago I was almost confined to a wheelchair, now I not only work full time, try and get things fixed around the house, I am cycling 75- 100 miles a week. I generally take two days a week and find some cool routes in and around Portland, OR.

As good as this year is going I found out yesterday that my work is doing away with the weekend shift, which is what I have been working. Fris, Sat , Sun 3 12hr days. I will now be moving to day shift. Which is Mon – Thurs 5:30 to 4. So now I guess I will find out how I really am doing. If I am unable to do it, or things just don’t work out I am fairly certain I will file for unemployability with the VA. That would mean being rated at 100% and having more income than I do now. I will fill my time with writing and volunteer work and such. I will be unable to attend my group and mindfulness class. I think I will be ok. I know it will be hard thru the holidays, but who’s isn’t? Just with mine add physical pain, emotional strain, depression and so on.

I am also unsure how often I will be able to read all the blogs I have been fallowing. Let alone have time to write anything myself. Well here’s to nothing, yet everything. Hope to chat with you all soon. Till next time… Joe